Alright, guys. Dirty little secret time. The real reason I wanted to keep the aperture of criticism as open wide as is humanely possible? So I could absolutely shred Chris Brown's new single when the time came. And he's obliged me by releasing a song and video that are both musically terrible, and in their own way, as inappropriate to his circumstances as "Russian Roulette" is for Rihanna right now. Let's take a look at the evidence, shall we?
The fact that the dude is getting his aesthetics from Transformers and what appear to be G.I. Joe outfits is grounds enough for criticism: universe mixing, and bad 'verse mixing at that. Also, what do we think about the wisdom of starting the song off with Lil' Wayne rhyming "I can transform ya' / No I can't dance, but I can dance on ya'"? The whole message of the lyrics is one that...well, let's just say that I'm never going to be particularly convinced by some dude bragging that he can ice out his girl, buy her some labels, and "transform a good girl to a freak." (Really, most of the worst bits of this song are Weezy's fault. Brown is just boring.) Now, I don't mind Ludacris saying "we want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed." Fun is as fun does, and I have no desire to deny Luda his, or anybody else hers. But, damn, Chris, we don't need anyone else engineering us into freaks, genetically or otherwise. Particularly not after you reengineered Rihanna's face. Run along, dude.